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So i walked and walked and walked today througjh forest, along the old steam train tracks listening and doing 3srb, thats yoga three step breahing, as taught to me by yogesh patel, who is the indian face on yesterdays blog. he is a loving , gentle and amazing soul.
so my thoughts often drifted to my wife and our life and our future, I of course have not given up on our marriage, like I have not accepted that death is the necessary consequence of metastatic colorectal, but I acknowledge its a bitch of an illness that takes so many wonderful people. I have stopped looking over at csn, to see how some of my old friends are going, its a little heart breaking. the benefit of being banned is that I have all my energy to put into my survival alone, and I suspect I will need it all to prevail.
I awoke today in agony, some disc problem from some yoga moves. Of course I suspected cancer had magically appeared in my upper back. but I recognise my thoughts are not survival focused, and replace them with joyful 3srb. A little bit like the divorce stuff and missing the kids, I briefly acknowledge these feelings, emotions, but really today is for healing, so I walked my butt off. At least 4 hours across bridge and dale. I made to another regional town and went searching for a massage, to help with my back. I found a thai place but they were booked. I also got some new alkaline bath salts, so I came home, did my meditation, warm baths, saunas and enemas. A very relaxing evening.
I was thinking about how the therapies are actually working, its time for more markers, but I also want one more day in the paradise great b and b with bath and sauna they also let me boil milk for my maf 314 gcmaf yogurt, which I will say has gone off very very well.
its time for sleep, the photo of a boy in the forest playing by the stream, reminded me of my son and how I do desire to come home healed to my family, but I am content to breathe here , as I am, because less would be ungrateful as I am all to aware of the immense suffering and heart of so many friends.
I had a snappy pace along the forest trails, my friend heinz said 2 hours a day, so I will walk my ass of, lower glucose, move lymph fluid, lower hifetc etc etc and boost my moral. I think my lungs are getting better day by day.
I looked at the forest leaves on the trees, on the forest floor, on the pond floating in a blue sky reflection. I note that I felt gods presence, that I have no fear and that what will be, will be. That my journey through the forest is enough of a miracle, I have energy and hope, plenty to share. Today was a wonderful day to live, I hope yours was.
When it gets tough in the sauna, I do my our father and hail marys like a good catholic, I hope my ashram friends understand.
I emailed dr John , he is a biochemistry genius , might as well use every resource, especially since my wonderful friend florian is away, so I can be a little unfaithful in medical terms. but all these dr have unique clinical strong points, of course I will drive anywhere in germany to see him. I am thinking of visiting duderstadt friday morning and doing markers there as then its the same lab.
tomorrow will be fun and relaxation of train rides, castles and walking, screw cancer for another day.
I heard someone playing the piano, I thought of my mums beautiful music, that soon it will just be a memory, her amazing gifts, her faith and her music, and my gift is to walk merrily through germany on my metastatic odessy.
oh and detachment, well is death not the ultimate detachment, it to me also seemed like divorce, on the brightside if it does come to pass, that I am divorced, and my heart is broken into a million peices at the thought, but I get peace to see my wife and kids established in a life without the worry of the cancer, the financial issues, the instabilities and the uncertaintities. I am very close to giving away all my worldly possessions and following the yogi way of life, my wife divorce might make that very easy to do.
I will just walk and enjoy the day, whatever it brings.
Dear John,
I met you at Fulda, I am freinds with Florian and Heinz and on good terms with Marco Ruggerio. My main treating dr is florian, but he is away till mid september. Also Prof vogl does my tace, drnesslehut does my dc vaccine, drsiebenhuner my oncothermia and ipt. And dr Axel Rolle my thoracic surgeon if needed. Each of these dr are world leaders to my research and very well respected, as are you.
I very much admired your presentations at fulda and would be grateful to meet with you and do some tests.
I am on the map ketogenic diet, walking 1 to 2 hours a day, doing alkaline baths, and sauna as often as possible, say 2 times per week. I live in an ashram where yoga, vegan food, meditation.
So I am doing my best, but cancer is a slippery foe and I think I would benefit from you care and you may indeed enjoy assisting with my ongoing healthy existence.