time travel, the magic of the black forest, "i was at my daughters wedding"

I will always love her, I will be there in her heart,  She is the best part of me!

I found an old memory card with photos over the last 18 months, this treasure was from april 2012 school camping holidays at the misty mountain camping retreat, she is so much bigger now. Can you see the joy in the face, I have done my job well so far, despite a few imperfections. I have taught her how to love and be kind, the rest she will work out for herself, her journey should be wonderous and long and hopefully intensely peaceful.

My dream, the most vivid.

I awoke from the deepest most peaceful sleep. my bed really is so peaceful. I had a dream, a vivid dream I want to share. i was in a church,like the church ellie and i were married in many years ago , i could see my daughter meleanie and her wonderful friend oscar. they have been friends since they were born almost. ellie and lynnes mothers group friends, who over the years are our few remaining close family friends. somehow ellie hoarding drama kills most deep friends, or at least hurts them. i don't want to sully a purely beautiful dream with life dramas. i try and not give ellies illness any power over here. i pray she has gotten over it and is living a joyous life. but the dreams magic fades, as the day arrives with its demands. somehow the warmth of the bed keeps the dream alive a little longer. I wonder if that will be true of my existence.

in that all existence is like a dream. life is vivid like a wonderful dream, and then life fades, as this dreams intensity fades and the days joys unfold. I closed my eyes and gratefully thanked god, another painfree healthy day, such a gift. every day a wake from the cancer nightmare and am grateful for another day. my dear friend Cancer dave was to move in here yesterday, he is in too much pain, god help him.

this little dream will be like a timecapsule for my daughter in the event, i am not able to be at her wedding, to let her know i dreamed it, and i saw how peaceful and beautiful how and her husband her. the kids oscar and melanie were dressed in like they were in their school formal clothes. maybe this church service was the graduation mass, she has coming up this year.

I had the sense of watching my daughter, she looked like she was having fun, a sense of joy on her day. I pray that is true. I hope her married life brings her the love and adventures mine has. Its like the life is a box chocolates analogy in forest gump. only when you bite into the chocolate to you know the taste, when you unwrap the chocolate. maybe getting married is like bitting into the chocolate. 

I remember so wonderfully our wedding, ellie was so beautiful, like a timeless angel. melanie has those same capivating looks. The wrapping paper of the chocolate, the exterior coating that hides and protects the secret inner heart of the chocolate. when its bitten its gone. the intense flavour lingers in our mouth and dissolves. I wish my wife were here besides me, but that is not my journey. she is in my heart which is enough.

so in my dream my daughter looks her current age, 11, but its her wedding day i am sure. the vividness of this dream touched my soul like so few dreams that have the lingering property. my message in a kiss i blow though the years to the future, is to love life, to love yourself, to love your partner, to love your children. why my tears come when i write these blogs i wonder, its possibly my awareness at the extreme fragility of all life and that this moment is what we have. its passed that magnificent heart beat we all shared. i must get on with todays healing magic, my run, my qigong my everything thats healing and the medicine at hallwang.

in her heart one day she will know dad is there! Maybe i will be for there for real, what sweet victory that will be. I hangon to that hope, but i acknowledge the largess of my my dreams and the nasty reality of colorectal cancer cancer. I have seen so much suffering as i have witnessed on this journey, with so many friends. its the badge of honour of surviving so long. I collect cancer friends like stars in the sky. to me they are like friendships, like beautiful bubbles, not like enduring longterm relationships. but bubbles are a wonderful, fragile timeless quality. when they burst we separate. in cancer circles we pass.

i went and had dinner at the clinic, after calling earlier to advise my arrival to dr greg and to the kitchen. dinner was wonderful, the food, the conversation chilling. opposite me and besides me was another unbelievale triangle. a man whose life had been saved by dr morris, opposite a wonderful mum, a naturopath whose pet revealed increased peritoneal disease and that she is going home to prof morris. i told my story and then i remember my dearest friend steve and alas his version of prof morris. all our experiences different. we easily digested into talking about albendazole and that d morris was the name on the paper. i explained the greedom of the surgeon against the oncologist. in my heart i thanked god for morris, he is a brave man, that one may play a role in saving my life, like so many others. maybe he already has and albendazole is it. 

behind the walls of the medical establishment are real men with hearts, i know they need medical ethics and rules to protect them from the pain of oncology. why they cannot even call the illness cancer, they have to use the word oncology. I hugged grace, such a warm caring hug. Some criticise her, i praise her, she attempts a miracle for each cancer patient she meets. to stay in the game of helping cancer patients long term, well its tough on the soul, this girl and her pip give lots of love.

after dinner i went for the longest, most peaceful walk through the black forest, it was calling me. i passed the children play area, i remembered my kids. the bare foot walk, the noise of the forest, i did some qigong as i walked, i could feel the power of this very ancient forest and i could feel the path, with my neuropathy feet. i felt surreal like i was watching myself, i tried to breathe and find peace. i did, the sun was setting, the light hitting sideways though the trees. a picture perfect moment, yes another photograph. but somehow the memories that stop my heart in its tracks are always the momest precious.

I record these vivid images in my soul, they make me the photographer who i am. the photographer without photos just memories, ethched in my heart at the wonderousness of life. of course i take special memories on cameras, i even make videos. but to cheerish a moment in time in your soul, the intense way i do most of my existence these days, well i feel enlightened in my way. I often recollect of all the beauty i have treasured in my heart underwater, the magnificence of what i have seen, my underwater years. you see i dived underwater and photographed as intensley as i am trying to survive. that intensity is the hallmark of my existence. hallmark, hallwang, an interesting play on words, i must come back to one day. writing this blog is good for my soul. some days medical research somedays personal.

i do not seek healing, i seek to live joyfully, healing may happen, thats up to god and biology. whats up to me is to cease the moment. its possible to be focused on healing in an effortless way thats detached, but that i acknowledge takes so much energy. i did my regular enema last night and listened to barry long, living joyfully again, his wisdom is timeless.

i wonder what this day will bring, to spend a few minutes greeting the morning, the peacefulness of this bedroom, of the apartment at 11 promenade st, hallwang is proundly healing.

I awoke as if i have been deeply meditating all night, all week while having heavy treatment at siebenhuners i meditated deeply. the peacefulness a drug i find compelling.

I will use this dreams power, and my morning ketosis test as a wake up call. I am not in ketosis, its time to get serious with the diet. ketosis here i come again. So this blogs covers my daughters wedding if i fall out of a tree, i plan to climb some today. or if a plane crashes, a great white shake gets me or alas the remaining few cancer cells do. 

That i am so sentimentally attached to life, is what fuels my survival energy. its time to get out of bed, have some supplements and run through the forest and have breakfast.

what magic awaits me on this joyous day, I wll have to hope out of this warm bed and live. 20 pushups and some prayers the perfect start. see ya one day i pray, whereever, the stars or the forest.